My fights, my struggles, my lessons

Hmm... where to start? how to start? what to share?

All these kept running through my mind, there is too much but I want to touch on the changes in my life.

So, I shall start after having the second baby, Faithlyn.

Well, in my previous blog, which was closed down, I've shared my painful and critical experience before labour. Having to stay in the hospital for 17 days with a new needle hole every 3 days, experienced heavy bleeding, boredom and being worried of lives of mine and my unborn child then. Thank God, everything turned out fine in the end and we were both safe.

From then, I've changed. I seen my life in a different way, making it more meaningful. Yes, other than focusing on my children, the lifestyle I led before was not the lifestyle I'm living now.

Given my age, I can say many are still hitting the clubs, getting high or drunk. I've quited visiting any clubs when my younger one nearly turned 1. Initially, I was hitting the clubs wanting to numb myself of the pain and sufferings that my ex-partner was giving me. Every time when I returned home from the short escapade, it just feel the same or worst the next day. Soon I realised, it was just me running away from reality and I still have two dearly daughters that needed their mummy more badly than I needed an escape. All these while, they only had me, without me what will become of them. Life is not only about me, my pain, my sufferings, my sorrows or me being the victim, I've learnt that anyone can pull me down or tear me up but it's only up to me if I  choose to get my ass up, patch up my wounds, fix my broken parts, stand up and fight back again or be a loser to keep gaining pity. I'm a fighter not a loser. Respect is earned, not given, I've earned it and my children will be able to see and learn that struggles are meant to be conquered.

I can't imagine myself to be someone who can bear to throw my children to someone else and have a good time on my own at the expense of them feeling lost, lonely and insecure. I know in future no matter what the situations force me to, I will not make such a stake. I've witnessed such people who are so selfish and self-centered to make such a stake on their own children lives to live their lives like they are still single, like they are having no commitments , all I can say that they do not deserve such blessings. Love and priorities is a package, when there's less love, there is less priorities. I was lost then. Believe me, it was not easy for me. I've learned it the hardest way, looking back I'm relieved I've pull it through.

Though, I'm still not perfect, I tried my best and am still trying.

Do not take for granted that your loved ones will always be at the same spot waiting for you while you forsaken them for your selfish pleasures and desires. When one chose to give up what they have to get what they want, you should know in your heart what is your value to him/her. If you are not valuable, you are just a pawn. The next thing you realized you got pawned but you're still clueless on how and why because you're in denial in your fantasy land. Be wise and stop being blinded. Time reveals one's true colours, stay or leave do not need forever to decide.

I've learnt that to forgive is not to stay. Staying by the side of the one who do not have intentions to make a change will only make it harder for both parties to see any changes. There is a limit to every situations and if it questions you why are you still here when you are still miserably helpless,  You should leave, what makes you think even if you leave or don't, there will be any changes. If nothing changes, you got to make the change. It's your life, not anyone's. If you do not control it, someone's else is going to ruin it. If you are in fear of making changes or feeling comfort in a broken relationship/marriage, it is bondage. It is lethal and it's going to kill your soul in one way or another. You will lose authorities over yourself and you will end up nothing but a slave.

No one has control over your lives. No one can hurt you emotionally unless you allow it. If your spouse is mind-handling you, controlling you with threats resulting you having fear over him/her. You should ask yourselves why are you willing to go through this and not get out. Two individuals should be bonded by love not fear for only our enemies will inflict fear and death. In a relationship or marriage, if you are dying to yourself just to tolerate and give in to all the wrongs, your partner is no other than an enemy who you should get rid.

Next, I've quit gambling(MJ). I used to play Mahjong very often. From small bets to big. I can lose 1-2 thousands overnight. We should not start anything we cannot control or is addictive. To be frank, everyone will say they have limits, I can say in your face, you wish! With the MJ sessions, I've spent lesser bonding time with my daughters, when I was bored I will host a game and right after I will be drained of my energy. Where is the time for my daughters? For what I won was only money, but what I lost was more than what money can buy, it's time.What more I need to say if I lost money, just a total waste of time, energy and electricity. If you are doing it occasionally with just small bets, it would be fine but my advice if you cannot control it then don't start. So kaki(s), don't ask me for a MJ session but I do not mind a BBQ,Potluck or Steamboat session.

Never don't blame on luck or your fate. Everyone is fighting a demon of their own. No one is leading a perfect life because there is not perfect person. Bear in mind, making right choices are the key to changes for the better.

Maturity kicks in real fast due to environments and situations I'd to face. It's a good thing. I'm grateful for that. Independence came after. To an extent that I don't need my partner, that is when I know I'm better off alone. During both pregnancies, it was no difference from me being a single mother, I looked after myself, went to checkups alone. After my daughters were born, I took care of them single-handedly, I'd bring my kids out alone, from as young as in their infant years till the age they are in now. When out, having to carry their milk bags, my own handbag, a pram, handling their tantrums, vomits, feedings, visits to the restroom while I just settle down in a cafe  and as I can't leave anyone behind we have to leave all together for it and back, etc.By handling the unexpected incidents going live and still trying to look good in my outfit is hell of a challenge.  No, I do not have a maid or a driver, let alone having a partner to help in any ways for a longest time(even thou legally I was married), I did all the hard and dirty works and I'm so proud of myself. While being at home, I've learnt to cook many types of dishes and right now, one of my favourite place is the supermarkets, Well,I do shop at the wet markets occasionally.  Many questioned me how I did it all alone.. The answer is, "If I can, so can you!" Apart from all the dramas, stress, fights, abuses, hurts, fears and many more I had to face for 8 years, these were just some of the survival tactics to help me get through life. Never depend on someone who does not hold up responsibilities like you do, don't stoop to their downright low standard of not being an awesome parent. You will realize your limitless worth and capabilities, you will gain respect and you will face no threats from anyone who try to pin you down.Women, don't depend entirely on man. Stop finding excuses that you're a weaker gender, never underestimate your strength and never allow your male partner to have a mentality that you are nothing without him.

Lastly, be grateful. Grateful for the good or the bad. For everything comes to you for a reason.

Addicted to BLACK

"I'll stop wearing black when they invent a darker color"

Dazzling Cafe Singapore

I've visited Dazzling Cafe twice. During my first visit, I was heartbroken b'cos I took many photos as it was my virgin visit but I lost my phone later in the day.

This time, I took more beautiful pictures because of my new iPhone (the camera was blur on the one I lost as it was in a bad condition) The one who took my old phone helped me in a way as that phone gave me many bad memories.

Isn't the pictures breathtaking? Such a lovely place to chill and enjoy our delicious toasts. I knew my Mummy would love such a place with nice ambience so I suggested my parents to come over, I can see they enjoyed themselves very much by judging the numbers of photos we took just with the unicorn (I didn't upload all thou).

 Pardon my messy hair as I was in a rush that day. EH, I don't care RIGHT because it was an AWESOME day!!!

We visited the Gardens By the Bay for the first time after chilling at Dazzling Cafe. 

Two virgin trips in a day, you know it's awesome right?

The highlight of the day! 

*Slurps*

This is my kind of 'Happy Meal', just by looking at it makes anyone happy, no?

Welcome to my new blog 2015

Welcome to my new blog.

I've decided to start blogging again. In the past, I could not continue due to many commitments, emotionally and physically exhausted too. This new blog space is just a humble blog of mine, wanting to share my boring but contented life. I've lost many readers over the years, toned down and set my social accounts to private too. 

For those who are interested, my instagram account is @devampie.

Just a small recap of my life, it was a big struggle in the past and still is for now but times will be better real soon. I'm proudly a single-mum with two adorable daughters whom I love dearly. Last year August, I've a place of my own. One of the milestones accomplished to having my own shelter, a cosy place for me & my kids. The theme of my loft is "Vintage Industrial", a theme I've been dreaming. Low hanging lights with warm light bulbs, brick walls, vintage swtiches and decorations and raw looking running-tones tiles & carpentry. I did not hire an interior designer or a representative to design or handle my house renovations, it was all by myself (of course with some electricians, tiler & carpenter). I glued the bricked one by one with my own hands, having the concept in my head while doing it, spraying the conduit pipes and shipping in the furnitures I've shopped online, it was an big achievement for me and am very proud of myself. I was blessed financially too as all renovations & furnitures was paid up by cash.

In my life, I've struggled the most was the past 8 years of my life. The most bitter phrase but only three factors pulled me through. The first factor was my children. I've never been separated from them and they kept me going by being by my side, the love of a mother is a powerful thing, nothing can stop or drag me down. Second is my family, they are always like angels protecting, guiding me and helping me in all areas out of sacrificial love. Thirdly and the most important one, God. These three factors showed me how and what real love is. My marriage, I thought and asssumed that the "love" given to me & my kids was it but it isn't love at all. The "love" we experienced was selfish and with conditions, purely just being taken advantage & pathetic. 

I grew stronger, thou at times I crumbled in anger and unjust, but the fight was not easy. It's wasn't easy then and even till now it's still isn't. Before, I was unsure of my decisions and even I was, I gave in to my soft-heartedness yet everytime it just slapped me right in the face that I should not give in initially. My weakness supposed to be a chance for the other to change for the better and prove it's worth but it was just another chance to allow myself to be hurt again and over again.

Many resented on themselves for the failures in life, we may play a part but if we changed and others don't, we can't do much at all. I've played a big part in the failure as this quote says, "What you allow is what will continue", and it became worst. Forgiveness is one thing, but still giving others comfort in doing wrong without punishments or having a price to pay is going to allow the sins to grow. As a saying, "some people just won't change" this applies to most people because warnings worth nothing now, not until the loss is felt and the pain is inflicted but that's the end, it's going to be too late and I'm at this very point of life. When enough is enough, I've to be courageous in the decisions of my life not giving in to the pity of a sinful soul who is unwilling to change or repent. Remove what has rotten and uproot it, never allow it to spread and destroy everything that is still worth keeping.

Friends come and go, but to those who stayed by, I'm very thankful. It wasn't easy on my friends too, because of my marriage, many of my friendships were jeopardized, threats and warnings were given to them, or even unpleasant confrontations. Some were frightened away, some refrained so I did not contact them frequently as I did not want them to be in stress or danger. But those who stayed behind and helped in little or many ways all these while, I must thank y'all with all my heart. Those friends who drifted from me, if you're reading this, please understand that I've had very bad times leaving me no time to catch up or communicate with y'all because of the constant stress I've been facing all these while. Having to look after my kids single-handedly, going to court sessions, taking statements, meeting up with counsellors and even seeing the lawyers. 

They say don't air your dirty linens in public so I will not touch further on details. But I have to loudly and proudly say that I did no wrong to anyone. The only thing I can say is, " I had enough and if I don't save myself, no one will". It's over the time of playing victim, and stop being someone else's victim. Get out of bondage, get your freedom back.

Back to the purpose of the blog post, I'm back. A happier self and those who are facing a hard time, don't be dismay. As the going gets tough, the tough gets going. God will not give you trials that you cannot handle.