Hmm... where to start? how to start? what to share?
All these kept running through my mind, there is too much but I want to touch on the changes in my life.
So, I shall start after having the second baby, Faithlyn.
Well, in my previous blog, which was closed down, I've shared my painful and critical experience before labour. Having to stay in the hospital for 17 days with a new needle hole every 3 days, experienced heavy bleeding, boredom and being worried of lives of mine and my unborn child then. Thank God, everything turned out fine in the end and we were both safe.
From then, I've changed. I seen my life in a different way, making it more meaningful. Yes, other than focusing on my children, the lifestyle I led before was not the lifestyle I'm living now.
Given my age, I can say many are still hitting the clubs, getting high or drunk. I've quited visiting any clubs when my younger one nearly turned 1. Initially, I was hitting the clubs wanting to numb myself of the pain and sufferings that my ex-partner was giving me. Every time when I returned home from the short escapade, it just feel the same or worst the next day. Soon I realised, it was just me running away from reality and I still have two dearly daughters that needed their mummy more badly than I needed an escape. All these while, they only had me, without me what will become of them. Life is not only about me, my pain, my sufferings, my sorrows or me being the victim, I've learnt that anyone can pull me down or tear me up but it's only up to me if I choose to get my ass up, patch up my wounds, fix my broken parts, stand up and fight back again or be a loser to keep gaining pity. I'm a fighter not a loser. Respect is earned, not given, I've earned it and my children will be able to see and learn that struggles are meant to be conquered.
I can't imagine myself to be someone who can bear to throw my children to someone else and have a good time on my own at the expense of them feeling lost, lonely and insecure. I know in future no matter what the situations force me to, I will not make such a stake. I've witnessed such people who are so selfish and self-centered to make such a stake on their own children lives to live their lives like they are still single, like they are having no commitments , all I can say that they do not deserve such blessings. Love and priorities is a package, when there's less love, there is less priorities. I was lost then. Believe me, it was not easy for me. I've learned it the hardest way, looking back I'm relieved I've pull it through.
Though, I'm still not perfect, I tried my best and am still trying.
Do not take for granted that your loved ones will always be at the same spot waiting for you while you forsaken them for your selfish pleasures and desires. When one chose to give up what they have to get what they want, you should know in your heart what is your value to him/her. If you are not valuable, you are just a pawn. The next thing you realized you got pawned but you're still clueless on how and why because you're in denial in your fantasy land. Be wise and stop being blinded. Time reveals one's true colours, stay or leave do not need forever to decide.
I've learnt that to forgive is not to stay. Staying by the side of the one who do not have intentions to make a change will only make it harder for both parties to see any changes. There is a limit to every situations and if it questions you why are you still here when you are still miserably helpless, You should leave, what makes you think even if you leave or don't, there will be any changes. If nothing changes, you got to make the change. It's your life, not anyone's. If you do not control it, someone's else is going to ruin it. If you are in fear of making changes or feeling comfort in a broken relationship/marriage, it is bondage. It is lethal and it's going to kill your soul in one way or another. You will lose authorities over yourself and you will end up nothing but a slave.
No one has control over your lives. No one can hurt you emotionally unless you allow it. If your spouse is mind-handling you, controlling you with threats resulting you having fear over him/her. You should ask yourselves why are you willing to go through this and not get out. Two individuals should be bonded by love not fear for only our enemies will inflict fear and death. In a relationship or marriage, if you are dying to yourself just to tolerate and give in to all the wrongs, your partner is no other than an enemy who you should get rid.
Next, I've quit gambling(MJ). I used to play Mahjong very often. From small bets to big. I can lose 1-2 thousands overnight. We should not start anything we cannot control or is addictive. To be frank, everyone will say they have limits, I can say in your face, you wish! With the MJ sessions, I've spent lesser bonding time with my daughters, when I was bored I will host a game and right after I will be drained of my energy. Where is the time for my daughters? For what I won was only money, but what I lost was more than what money can buy, it's time.What more I need to say if I lost money, just a total waste of time, energy and electricity. If you are doing it occasionally with just small bets, it would be fine but my advice if you cannot control it then don't start. So kaki(s), don't ask me for a MJ session but I do not mind a BBQ,Potluck or Steamboat session.
Never don't blame on luck or your fate. Everyone is fighting a demon of their own. No one is leading a perfect life because there is not perfect person. Bear in mind, making right choices are the key to changes for the better.
Maturity kicks in real fast due to environments and situations I'd to face. It's a good thing. I'm grateful for that. Independence came after. To an extent that I don't need my partner, that is when I know I'm better off alone. During both pregnancies, it was no difference from me being a single mother, I looked after myself, went to checkups alone. After my daughters were born, I took care of them single-handedly, I'd bring my kids out alone, from as young as in their infant years till the age they are in now. When out, having to carry their milk bags, my own handbag, a pram, handling their tantrums, vomits, feedings, visits to the restroom while I just settle down in a cafe and as I can't leave anyone behind we have to leave all together for it and back, etc.By handling the unexpected incidents going live and still trying to look good in my outfit is hell of a challenge. No, I do not have a maid or a driver, let alone having a partner to help in any ways for a longest time(even thou legally I was married), I did all the hard and dirty works and I'm so proud of myself. While being at home, I've learnt to cook many types of dishes and right now, one of my favourite place is the supermarkets, Well,I do shop at the wet markets occasionally. Many questioned me how I did it all alone.. The answer is, "If I can, so can you!" Apart from all the dramas, stress, fights, abuses, hurts, fears and many more I had to face for 8 years, these were just some of the survival tactics to help me get through life. Never depend on someone who does not hold up responsibilities like you do, don't stoop to their downright low standard of not being an awesome parent. You will realize your limitless worth and capabilities, you will gain respect and you will face no threats from anyone who try to pin you down.Women, don't depend entirely on man. Stop finding excuses that you're a weaker gender, never underestimate your strength and never allow your male partner to have a mentality that you are nothing without him.
Lastly, be grateful. Grateful for the good or the bad. For everything comes to you for a reason.
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